What December 6th represents for me.

Snow, Christmas, family, and the knowledge that time marches on, things change and our choices in life ultimately decide our outcomes.

In the wee hours of this date 4 years ago, and it seems unreal to me that it has been 4 years now. My Mother passed away. We brought her to our home, set her up in the spare bedroom with her hospital bed, her crazy cat, Bear, then David re-wired the house so she could have satellite tv and the waiting and taking care of her began. Being a nurse, I knew she was very sick. I also knew that her time her on earth was limited. But, I had no idea how limited it was. She was only there for about one week. When we realized she was fading quick, I called my middle sister home and, on December 6th in the early morning hours, me and my two sister, Larissa and Dory sat at her bedside, and said our goodbyes.  None of us were ready for it. Is anybody ever really ready for it?

Mom always made Christmas special. She would string lights on anything that didn't move. She would play Christmas music on the record player, watched every Christmas special on TV with us, she would shop and find some of the best deals, and then hide all the presents all over the house. I was the best at finding the hiding places and yes, I was the peeker.

Every year she made homemade ornaments and we all have those on our tree in honor of her. She loved Christmas!! That is probably why I love it soo much. We never really had much. We were always way below the poverty level. But, that didn't stop her. She would shop in the basement of the Diamond and Stone and Thomas, scour the sales racks downtown and head off to Kmart, Heck;s or Hill's to make sure we had lots of presents to open. I remember vividly only having one MUST have on my list every year, and now that I think about it, that worked to her advantage. She would wrap them all...and there would always be just one or two practical gifts from her, the rest would be from Santa. She was the Christmas Queen!

Today, I try really hard to continue her traditions. Party mix is always baked the first week of December. Cookies are a must on a snowy afternoon. Christmas music can be heard in my car and if you randomly drop by, you may catch me belting out Christmas tunes.And I DO place lights on just about everything that doesn't move.

I had her the longest...I am the oldest. Actually, I had four years of just her and I. Nothing will every replace or take away the love I have for her. There are a lot of good memories mixed with melancholy ones. I wish I could have gotten through to her. Just once, I wish she would've chosen us over the alcohol for good. What a different ending to her story would it have made? Or would it have changed things? I believe our days are numbered and they are written in the book of life. That being said, I feel that she would have left on this date no matter what choices she had made. It just seems sad that she missed out on so much because she was drinking and that she is missing out on so much stuff now because ultimately, the alcohol did it's damage to her body and took her too soon.

What would she think of Alex, all grown up? She was his biggest cheerleader and I know she would be pushing him from behind, encouraging him every step of the way. She would be soo proud of Chelsea. I can hear her now telling everyone she meets about her being in Afghanistan, and just exactly how brave and unselfish our Chelsea is. Now, it's her job to watch over her and protect her while she is oversea's and keep her out of harm's way. Then there is Drew, smart and tall and looking like a fantastic combination of both his maternal grandfathers...she would beam to see him now and would love to be at his graduation. When I think about the new additions, Bailey, Nate and Lillian, I feel sad. Sad she never held them. she isn't carrying their baby pictures in her crazy little cigarette case. Sad that those babies will never see her face light up when they come into the room.

 

Sad that Rissa and Dory, like me can't just pick up the phone and call her. Filling her in on all the latest news and goings on.

This year it is tough, I miss her and wish I had her support to get through all of this, but, it doesn't hurt as much. It's just a sad day that brings up a lot of what if's and if only's. Rest in Peace Peggy Ann....your family still misses you.