Sleep?!

                                      

Sleep? It's soo overrated! I am a natural sleeper, catnapper and a lolly gagger when it comes to getting up.

Not lately! This is my average night? Stressed? Frustrated? Tense? Worrying? Yup, every single one of them! My body and mind are stretched too thin. I'm walking everyday, drinking plenty of water, yet my mind just races!

                    

Who, what, where, when, why rushing through my thoughts. There have been some big changes around here and I'm scared there are plenty more. David takes it all in stride, says you can't fix it by worrying. But, isn't that what Mommy's do? So every night I start my prayers with, Lord, please take this worry burden.....I'm hanging on to it like its my last hope. (Honestly, that's all we have- HOPE!)

Survival of the meanest

Mean, Ill tempered, cross, stubborn. Just a few verbs. In the right context they're fine. In the wrong they hurt & sting.

First, let's say I know I'm not always right. I have been known to be wrong and admit when I am. I am blunt, factual and sometimes curt. I am a typical first born, type A personality. Leading and directing every move.

What happens when I just don't have the energy to do that? I recoil, pipe down and cut off those who offend me.

Coping mechanism at its finest. For those of you who didn't know, my Mother probably caused this. I'm not blaming I'm just saying it is how I learned to deal with the unpleasant parts of life.

My Mother, was an alcoholic. Yes, I agree it is a disease, but, the choice to drink is driven by free will. If she had just once actually given it up she would still be here. 

She stole a lot of my childhood. Because she was so tangled up in the alcoholism, I quickly became the mother figure. I learned at a fairly young age how to juggle utility bills to avoid cut offs. I became quite talented in the kitchen, feeding us the groceries I bought with our food stamps. I kept us clean, did all the laundry and made extra money when I could. When I could legally get a paycheck, I got a job. And I helped pay the bills.

With a full time home schediule, part time job and school, I had little time for the usual hanging with my friends. That could be accomplished AFTER homework, dinner and evening chores. Most times it was just easier to skip it than make excuses. Only a few friends knew & understood and were willing to wait for me to get all my motherly duties done so we could do teenager things. Thank you for being so understanding-you know who you are!

All I could ever think about was growing up, moving out and not having to live like that. But, then what about my little sisters? Who would watch over them....who would take care of them...who would save them if she dropped a cigarette in one of her drunken stupors & the house caught on fire? I would end up staying until well after my 20th birthday. 

The day I left I remember looking at the house...seeing them on the porch and silently praying, "Dear God, KEEP THEM SAFE! They're all I've got!"

Does it all make sense now? Maybe I'm mean, angry or just protecting myself and or my family....you decide!

When your a mommy

When your a Mommy you expect certain things, dependent of the sex of your child or children.

If it's a girl, you expect mood swings, shopping, secrets, and teaching her all the normal girly things. You pray she becomes a strong, God fearing woman, and that she finds a God fearing man to marry. You dream of wedding dress shopping, planning that wedding and then watching her become a Mommy to her children. Praying and hoping for the peace, health and well being of her family.

When she shares her life with you, the joy you feel is unmeasurable. Holding her first born child is heavenly! Knowing your legacy continues and your own little girl is raising our future generation is simply amazing. You want them to be happy and healthy.

When your the Mommy of a boy it completely different. Just as they are as different in personalities, likes and needs, your desires, plans and wants for a boy are very different.

You want him to be self sufficient, reliable, strong, kind and good and you wish he to is a God fearing man who finds a loyal, strong, kind God fearing woman to share his life with. You want to watch him be a daddy. To mold his children and provide for his family. You want him to be the head of his household with dignity & respect.

You teach him how to take care of himself, how to cook, clean, do his own laundry, but, your hope is that he becomes a man of integrity. No matter what age. Your hope is that God is always with him and that he knows his Mom will always be his biggest fan, loudest critic and first love.

But most of all you hope you live a long life. The kind that allows you to watch your babies grow, and yes, sometimes stumble, so they can dust themselves off and get back up. Your hard work as a Mother can be tough, tedious and at time trying, but, your handiwork may be witness for many, many years, if your lucky. At least that's how I see it. 

What a toddler thinks in 5 sentences

1. The only food groups are: chocolate, sugar filled, handcrafted and messy!

Many days the struggles are over what they WILL eat. If it's chocolate, full of sugar their in. If it's healthy and promotes growth and well being, their out! Please avoid all green items, thank you. 

2. Naps are for exhausted grown ups!

They run full tilt, never slow down. Their little minds soaking up everything. But, ask them to slow down, lie down and regroup and as you fight to keep your eyes open because you know naptime is the only time you will get as shower that is hot and long seems like the most ridiculous fight. However, it happens every day and most days you fall asleep too! A nighttime shower is the best answer here.

3. Learning independence is a must.

"I can do it mysel!" Is muttered repeatedly in our home. She is bound and determined to be such a big girl. Problem is when your a toddler, this phrase is immediately followed by "WAAHHHH, I CANT DO IT! ITS BROKEN!" Seriously, for every new thing she tries her patience factor expects immediate accomplish.  The whining is loud, piercing and as the day drags on, annoying. I'm sure our neighbors think we intentionally torture her. But, anyone with toddlers would quickly dismiss this thought. 

4. They want to play, just not alone...EVER!

"Come on, let's play!" It sounds so cute and inviting the first thousand times. My question is, how many brain cells am I losing playing duck duck goose with the leftover hundreds of  beanie babies her wonderful Aunt & Uncle managed to leave here?

5. Life is wonderful, beautiful and they love you with ALL their hearts, forever & ever, and SOOO MUCH!

The Grand Princess came unexpectedly, but gracefully and when she did I melted. The moment we touched and I held her close it was all over.

Now as a toddler, we have those same days....in between the terrible two's and soon approaching tricky three days. I have always known that I loved her and her me. We have been each other's support and bestie through some quite traumatic times. I'm teaching her all the things I never had time to teach my kids because I was working. She knows what to expect when she's here. There structure and schedules as well as manners, respect, expectations and consequences when we fall out of line. These things, give her a sense of accomplishment, the feeling of unconditional love, belonging.  Good or trying toddler days we wouldn't have it any other way.